Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
