I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
