end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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