Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
