i may or may not be watching the land before time
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
