Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
