She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
