I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
