I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
