Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Randomize
