I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
