God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
