forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
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I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
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Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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