I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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