your room smells of hookers.
And success
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
