i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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