the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
