My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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