so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
