I'm going to rape someone's good day.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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