Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
