Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
