fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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