Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Randomize
