So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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