drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
