Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
