I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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