i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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