On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
