The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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