Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
