does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
