3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
