i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
