i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
