But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
