I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
