so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
