My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
