We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
