i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
