So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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