i was born a porn star she said
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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