I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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