I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
