WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Randomize
