I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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