I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
