I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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