Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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