What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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