47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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