I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
