i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
