Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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