He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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