So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That accounts for only three of the penises
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
