I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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